oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
