I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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