I want to walk on stilts...naked
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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