he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
