i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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