so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
