I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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