happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
