You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
