I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
