I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
