Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
