Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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