So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
