I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
