Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
