He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
