My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
