oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
