life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
