I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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