There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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