I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
