There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
