____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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