Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
