Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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