one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
