Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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