Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
