Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
