Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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