she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i've created a new STD.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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