You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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