So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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