my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
