also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
