Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
