CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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