My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
