oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I won the penis lottery.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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