just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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