I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
