I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
