Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
