Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
