Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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