Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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