Four minutes until I can fart!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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