I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
