mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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